Be Home, Be Present

I felt extremely discouraged the other night, a feeling not in any way unfamiliar to me lately.  I felt like a failure as a wife, mother, and homemaker.  I long to acheive all of my high expectations and ideals, but most of the time they seem so far out of reach!  I think most mothers understand this feeling...

Well, when I finally got a few moments to myself I did what I always do when I feel this way: I searched the web.  "Supermom"  "Is it really possible to do it all"  and "Finding sanity as a stay at home mom" are the types of things I search for.  Does this help?  No, not usually.  What I find is a whole bunch of mothers lamenting about how difficult our job is.  And it is.  But this doesn't make me feel any better.

Luckily for me, I had the presence of mind to stop searching the world for answers, and instead to turn to God for answers.  This is when I stumbled upon the talk called The Honored Place of Woman by Ezra Taft Benson.  This was such a good talk packed full of so many wonderful ideas that I can't even begin to do it justice, so I really hope you'll take the time to read it for yourself.  What I will do is share with you the significant message that the spirit taught me as I read it.

When I first began reading, I was seeking for validation.  I have chosen to be a stay-at-home mother at what I have perceived as great personal sacrifice.  I know that it is right, but I often feel the need to be reminded that I am doing the right thing because I can't always FEEL it.  You know?  I far too often have been guilty of having a superiority complex though, believing that I have made this "noble and selfless choice" while others choose to go to work instead.  I can now see that when I was seeking validation, I was also, sadly, seeking to feed my feelings of superiority.  I deeply regret those feelings and I am repenting of them.

This talk began in such a way to validate me just like I thought I needed,

"Beguiling voices in the world cry out for “alternative life-styles” for women. They maintain that some women are better suited for careers than for marriage and motherhood. These individuals spread their discontent by the propaganda that there are more exciting and self-fulfilling roles for women than homemaking. Some even have been bold to suggest that the Church move away from the “Mormon woman stereotype” of homemaking and rearing children. They also say it is wise to limit your family so you can have more time for personal goals and self-fulfillment."

But then a prick came,

 

"Do you want a principle for successful motherhood? Make time to teach your children the gospel and principles of gospel living when they are young. It may be that you too will need to “renounce the world” and “devote above twenty years of the prime of life in hopes to save the souls of [your] children.”"

And then speaking in praise of his wife, I felt another prick,

"Gladly losing herself in service to her husband and children, she has shown a courageous determination to magnify what she knows is the divine and glorious calling of being a worthy wife and mother."

If it isn't already apparent to you, here was my problem:

I was home, but I wasn't present for my children.  I wasn't sacrificing and living for them as my calling requires.  I was sinning in exactly the same way that some mothers do when they choose to work outside the home for selfish and worldly reasons, only I was being self-absorbed and self-serving AT home.  I realized as I read those words that motherhood in its noblest form is a COMPLELTE giving up of oneself one's own interest in favor of the interests of your children.

The answer to my frustrations and failings in the home was to stop trying to escape it.  I needed to throw myself more fully and completely into the service to my daughters instead of spending all day every day desperately seeking for those moments or hours which were "mine."  To be honest, when I fully understood the repercussions of this idea, I cried.  Not feeling-the-spirit tears, or moved-by-inspiration tears, but "Wow, this is going to be really hard!" tears.  It's not easy to give up everything you are, everything you want.  But ironically, doing this has changed the way my days have gone and the way I view my life, and in the end it has made my life worlds better and happier.  I know this is what God wants of me.

Now, let me add one little caviat.  I know it is often said that we need to fill our own cups first, and I agree.  That being said, what does it take to fill your cup?  In what different ways can you fill your cup?  How often do you need to fill your cup?  My problem was that I was "filling my cup" twenty minutes or so out of every hour.  And I resented my children for keeping me from all the things that I wanted to do with my time and my life.  But this talk helped me to remember that it was no longer MY life.  I've already given it to God.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."  -- John 15:13