I hate to admit it, but the last two years have felt that way to me. I was suffering from what I view as prolonged post-partum depression after having C, and during that time I'm afraid the good days felt like the exception instead of the rule.
That is why the last three
months have been such a miracle for me. It has felt like I have finally
broke to the surface of my sea of depression and I am finally breathing
fresh air again. I am enjoying my life. I feel in control. I feel
grateful, and I feel truly, deeply happy.Feeling this good for this long has been beautiful and miraculous. My house is clean, my days are productive, and my mind feels clear. It's no wonder I panicked when I had a bad couple of days this weekend.
Last Thursday I forgot that I had jury duty. I was supposed to call in Wednesday night to find out if they needed me, but I spaced it. I didn't remember until 7:30am the next day, at which point I made the phone call and was told I needed to be at the courthouse in an hour--no exceptions. Never mind that I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old and am QUITE pregnant.
I called my husband who was at school already though not in class and told him that I was going to have to come pick him up so he could watch the girls and drop me off at the courthouse. I put shoes on little feet underneath pajamas, tore them away from their breakfasts, and was pushing them out the door when I discovered that I didn't have the keys. My husband did. They were still in his pocket even though the car was home with me. My stress level went up ten notches.
I sat down. What to do...
It was now eight o'clock and I had neither a babysitter nor a ride. I contemplated just not going. What else could I do? But I had an inkling that there were pretty negative consequences for missing jury duty, even when you have a really good reason.
Luckily this story has a happy ending. I saw my friend walking back from dropping her daughter off at the bus stop and I was able to ask her to give me a ride while her husband watched my kids. I made it being only five minutes late. In the end, the trial was declared a mistrial and I got home by eleven-thirty or so. I am SO grateful for her and her husband's willingness to serve me on such short notice and such unique circumstances. Turns out, I would have been charged $500 had I not showed up!
Even with the happy ending though, this chaos and unexpected anxiety threw off the rest of my weekend big time. I spent the rest of that day making cupcakes and soup for a Halloween party we had that night. I gave myself the next day off to recover from all the hectic-ness of the previous day and subsequently entirely forgot about a doctor's appointment I had. Saturday and Sunday were full of family functions and Stake Conference. By Sunday night, (probably due to all the stress,) I started having some really intense contractions. This had me very worried. (It's definitely not time for baby brother to come yet.) They tapered off in intensity but kept me up all night. I was worse than a zombie yesterday morning from the sleep deprivation, and for the first time in the past three months, I had me a solid sad-cry. (I have had plenty of happy-cries and I always welcome those.)
So yesterday was a hard day, . . . a REALLY hard day, . . . a dark day, if you will. It got me thinking about the last two years, and I felt myself bracing for a dip back down into the deep. But last night I had a relatively good night's sleep, I woke up before the girls and studied my scriptures, and today turned out to be better--much better. I don't feel so worried anymore.
My take-aways:
1. Sleep deprivation is my emotional enemy.
2. When I'm feeling blue, there are things I can do.
- turn on a light
- turn on some music
- clean up the mess
- take a shower
- get dressed
- go outside
- talk to someone
- change my diet
4. Elder Uchtdorf taught, "It is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions."
Shauna, we need to talk about this sometime. I spent a lot of years depressed and it was my second trimester with Evie that "cured" it (after years of trying EVERY solution recommended to make things better). For me it was so hormonal and it makes me super scared to get pregnant again (since my doctor told me each pregnancy is like rolling the dice, could end up with a better hormonal balance or a worse one). I totally sympathize with you about how a few bad days bring back the fear that those few bad days will stretch into more than a few bad days. Scary. Also, there's an herbal remedy I tried several years ago that helped somewhat - as a bonus it is supposed to help with milk production (like milk thistle, fenugreek, etc...), so you may want to try that after the baby comes if you are nervous about PPD again (which I know I am worried about with number 2). Anyway, like I said, we'll have to talk about this sometime.
ReplyDeleteI really struggled the first couple of months after having Adalee. I remember the first Sunday I decided to take Adalee to church. I hadn't been for like 5 weeks since she was born in December and it was like Satan did not want me to get out of my dark days as well. I for once in my life (well maybe not the only time I haven't had a strong desire to go to church) did not want to go to church. I was worried because I was still carrying around so much baby weight, how would I nurse Adalee in church, etc, etc. Satan really was on me to try to get me to not go back to church. But Brock snapped me out of it and told me I needed to go to church. So I did and wow it is amazing how the spirit can change the outlook of things. I felt like I could handle things. I was still sleep deprived and worried about my weight but I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. Anyways this turned into a long reply but I just wanted you to feel like you are not alone in those feelings. Also, please call me if ever you are feeling alone or need to talk. We haven't chatted for awhile and it would be nice. :)
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